Part of Me
by Kathryn0505
Summary: Post Bad Eggs. Buffy starts to think about what her future as the Slayer will be like and she and Giles have a nice moment.


**A/N: Okay I've been watching this show for pretty much my whole life but have never written a story for it. What started out as a post Bad Eggs fic turned into something else entirely. I feel like this is a moment that probably belongs later in the series. I'm not totally happy with it, but I'm posting it now with the thought that I might tweak it later. Please review! I don't totally have a handle on the characters yet, and any feedback is appreciated. =]**

* * *

"Yo, Buffster!" Xander waved a hand in front of her face. "You in there?"

"Hmm?" She glanced up at his face from her seat in the library chair. "What? Yeah, I'm listening." She looked next to him to see Willow looking at her thoughtfully, math homework sitting in front of her. They had been spending the last hour in the library doing homework before she was supposed to train with Giles before patrol. Okay, Willow had been doing homework while Xander and Buffy stared at theirs doubtfully and helped each other procrastinate.

"Okay, say it again and this time be _less_ convincing."

"Sorry," she said sheepishly.

"What's going on?" Willow asked. "Is something wrong?" She placed her pencil down and leaned her arm on her notebook.

"Yeah, Buff, you've been kind of not-with-it lately," Xander added. "Monster troubles? Cordelia troubles? Oh wait... those are the same." Willow grinned up at him in response.

Buffy managed a small smile as well. "No, guys, really, I'm fine. I'm just tired. Sick of homework."

"I feel that," Xander seconded. "I'm thinking I've done enough math."

"But you've only done half of the problems!" Willow disagreed. "You have to go to number 48, only doing evens, and you're on 28."

"Well why do we have to do so many, anyway? I think once I've done one or two I know how to solve for x," Xander replied.

"It's good practice!" Willow enthused.

As Xander and Willow lapsed into a discussion of the benefits of doing homework versus spending one's time doing other activities, Buffy's thoughts wandered once again to the topic which had been on her mind almost constantly lately. A few weeks before the school had been doing their "egg parenting." Big surprise, the eggs were supernatural, but her conversation with Angel had really gotten her thinking.

_You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?_

_Angel, when I look into the future… all I see is you. All I want is you._

She had been telling the truth when she said it. Angel was all she saw of the future. Angel was one of the few things in her life that made her happy. Her friends were great, but they didn't understand her in the way that he did. Her friends knew of the dangers she faced; but Angel _lived_ in that world, a place where she was forced to spend a great deal of her time.

But she hadn't been completely honest when she had told him that she didn't _ever_ think about the future. She did. Her ordeal with the Master had forced her to the realization that being the Slayer was going to be dangerous, and could be deadly. Before then, she had considered being the Slayer an inconvenience; sure it was dangerous, but she had complained mostly about her lack of social life and fun.

But her conversation with Angel had forced other issues into her mind. He couldn't have kids. That was fine, that was a long way off. They could adopt, whatever. But the more she thought about it, the more she came to another conclusion.

She would never have children either. Even if Angel were capable, having children was just another thing that would never be in the cards for her. Even if she could find someone who accepted her life as the Slayer who could father children, a pregnancy would be impossible with her dangerous lifestyle. And she couldn't take care of a child while her life was so dangerous and unpredictable. These thoughts were ones which had taken up a lot of her headspace lately.

"Hey, we are going to head out," Willow's soft voice broke her out of her thoughts. Giles walked in out of his office and headed for the book cage. "We'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, bye, guys," she said, still half-distracted. As the doors swung closed behind Willow and Xander, Giles made his way over to the table.

"Are you ready for a little light training before patrol?" Giles asked.

"Yeah, let's do it," she said, pushing herself up out of her chair. At least this may keep her mind off of her life.

So she thought, but after Giles totally schooled her at the quarterstaff, which _never_ happened, he finally stopped and looked at her thoughtfully.

"Honestly, Buffy, you're not concentrating," Giles scolded. "You aren't usually this absent-minded."

"I'm trying, Giles!" she snapped. "I'm having an off day, okay? I think that's allowed." She picked her staff up off the floor before stamping it into the ground.

Clearly taken aback, Giles stuttered her name. "B-Buffy, I—"

At his tone, her anger melted. It wasn't his fault, after all. Although some days it felt like he was the embodiment of everything she hated about being the Slayer, it wasn't his fault that she was chosen. "No, I'm sorry. I'm just tired."

"Would you like to take a break?" he asked in that warm voice he used when he was clearly concerned about her.

"No, it's okay. Let's just continue."

They continued for about ten minutes, but it was quickly clear that she still wasn't fighting her best. Giles critiqued her technique and blocked her attacks before finally putting down the staff.

"Let's take a break." He took off his pads as he watched Buffy sit on the table and sip a bottle of water. To say he was worried was an understatement, but he never knew how to broach a subject such as this with her.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked her.

"What?" She looked over to where he was standing by the table.

"Do you feel ill?" he repeated. "You normally aren't so… lacking in focus."

"I'm not sick, Giles," she replied, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. He was staring at her like he could read her mind. And after all they had seen on the Hellmouth, it really wouldn't surprise her if he could.

"Buffy, I-I know that you and I are not always… close, and that perhaps some things are best discussed with Willow, or even Xander, but I am always here should you want to discuss anything. And of course, anything you say to me will always be kept in confidence."

Buffy pondered for a moment. He was right, she rarely came to him with any problems, and they were always slay-related. But this was sorta slay-related. Kinda. And she wasn't sure that Willow or Xander would understand. And she certainly couldn't talk to Angel about this. There was enough lingering awkwardness over the kid discussion as there was.

"Giles, you don't have any kids, right?" she blurted out.

"Hmm? No, I haven't any children," he said, clearly confused by the topic of conversation.

"Why not?" she pressed, going ahead against her better judgment. "Did you not want them?"

"Well, I—I guess I hadn't given it much thought when I was younger. And then when I began in the council there was just never the opportunity." He walked past her to grab his glasses off the counter. He gave them a quick wipe before placing them back on his face. "What is this about, Buffy?"

She shifted on the table a bit. "I was just… thinking about that egg thing we were doing the other week."

"Yes?" He moved to sit in a chair adjacent the table, looking up at her to continue on.

"Angel and I were talking about it, and he sorta got me thinking. I mean, with his being a vampire and all, he can't have kids. But he was asking me about the future and I sorta stretched the truth and told him I don't think about the future. Which is true," she rambled. "I don't. Or, I try not to at least." She glanced back at him to see him looking at her with an unreadable expression. Her eyes darted away as she struggled to finish her thoughts. "But I was thinking about what he said and our eggs and it kinda occurred to me for the first time that I won't ever have any children." She stopped and looked back to him.

A few moments passed before he realized she wasn't going to say anything else. "Ah. I see."

She glanced at him for a few minutes, nodding resignedly when she realized he wasn't going to refute her statement. She sighed. "Has any slayer ever had children?"

"Technically yes, although no slayer has had a child after having been called." He looked up to see her interest, and he latched onto what he believed would be the only part of this conversation he would be sure about. "There was one slayer in the 1970's, Nikki Wood, who had had a son at 16 and was called at 17. There was another, Mary Sherrard, in the 1740's who had had a daughter at 14 and was called at 15. And there was another girl in China whose name escapes me, who had the unfortunate luck of being called while she was 7 months pregnant." Giles looked up to see her paying a great deal more attention than he was accustomed to seeing.

"What happened to the slayer who was pregnant?" she asked.

"She, um, well… she was killed before she could give birth," he admitted. "Once the vampire community learned of her identity, she was, er, she was rather easy to kill, even with her strength." He tried to protect her as much as possible from the truth of her calling, but it was often brutal and always fatal, as she had already learned.

Her eyes widened, and after a moment she slid off the table and plopped into the seat next to him. She seemed in her own world. In a way, he reasoned, she was.

"Do you want children, Buffy?" he finally asked.

"It doesn't matter, does it? We both know I'll never have any," she replied.

"That's probably true. But if you had the opportunity, would you want them?" he asked again.

"I… I don't know," she admitted. "I've never really thought about it. But I guess it's one of those things that I never knew I wanted until I knew I couldn't have it, you know?" She leaned her head on the arm resting on the side of the chair.

"I understand," he told her.

"I'm never gonna have children. I probably won't ever get married. I probably won't even graduate college," she continued. "There are all these things that never really occurred to me before. And now that they are…" she broke off, trying not to get worked up.

He placed a hand on her knee. "Now that they are?"

"Now that they are, I'm realizing again how unfair being the Slayer is. How much I'm going to sacrifice. I'm going to end up sacrificing my life." She reached up to swipe away the tear that had escaped her.

"That's very likely, Buffy," he admitted. As much as he wished he could take her place, she was the one chosen. "But that doesn't mean that you don't have at least some control over your life now. You have your mother, friends, school. You go out to the Bronze. Your life is not yet over."

"Some days it feels like it," she revealed.

"Buffy, if you could choose to not be the Slayer, would you?" he questioned.

"I… I don't know. You mean, if I could have just gone on with my life exactly how it was? Never knowing about demons or vampires or any of it?"

"Yes, if you could have had a regular life, would you choose not to be the Slayer? There are hundreds of potential slayers who could have been called instead of you."

"I guess I always wanted to have a normal life." She thought for a moment. "But to not know what's out there? To be like Cordelia, running around complaining about hair spray and shoes? Being the Slayer has made me a better person. I'm not saying that I would choose to be the Slayer, I don't know what I would do. But it doesn't really matter does it? I'll never have to choose that. But saving the world, fighting evil…it's part of who I am now." She looked over to see him beaming at her. "What? What did I say?" she asked.

"Nothing," he assured her. "I'm just very proud of you."

"Because I might choose to be the Slayer?"

He shook his head. "No, because you know what's important. This journey we're on, Buffy, it's going to be dangerous and difficult. We are going to feel like giving up. We may even wish we were different people at times. But what we do… it's important."

She was silent for a few moments, turning over what he said in her mind. She had always felt her being chosen was unfair, some kind of punishment. But she realized now it didn't matter. Being the Slayer was part of who she was now, whether she wanted it or not. Sacrifices included. And he was right; what they did, it was work worth doing. "I understand," she answered finally.

"I know," he replied, patting her leg. "Buffy, you can always come to me if you need to. We are all here for you."

She looked into his eyes and felt a new understanding pass between them. Giles understood how she felt more than she had ever given him credit for. She remembered the Eyghon incident. In a way he was as trapped in his role as Watcher as she was in hers.

"Thank you," she said sincerely. The moment passed and she pulled herself out of the chair. "I think I'm going to run home before I head out for patrol."

"Alright," he said, standing up as well. "I'll see you tomorrow." He watched as she collected her things and headed out the door before turning into his office.

Maybe he had been wrong. The world wasn't quite as doomed as he'd thought.


End file.
